Getting a concept of you as an employer can be awkward at first. Community based assistant services present new cultural territory. Standards are still being established for these types of relationships.
You may find it helpful to discuss with the potential assistant a possible scenario in dealing with a difficult situation during the interview process; maybe a situation you have already worked through. Get an idea of the person’s manner of dealing with conflict. Investigate your own.
Try Not to React
If you are having a problem and feeling really upset, try not to react. You might try writing down feelings and thoughts about your concerns. You could use a tape recorder to get it out.
Talk with Someone You Trust
We strongly encourage talking with a friend or other safe person with whom you can vent your feelings. Let someone know you are having problems. You may be in a better position to express yourself with a little feedback and perspective on a situation.
Take a Risk, Communicate Don’t Let Bad Feelings Linger!
Letting the assistant know you are unhappy about something means taking a risk. You may feel the person won’t care. He/she may say or do something that is not pleasant. Trust that he/she can deal with it. It is important to communicate your feelings on a regular basis. Don’t let bad feelings linger. Clear things up as reasonably quickly as possible. Unresolved issues can really hurt you emotionally as well as physically if it’s preventing you from communicating your health and safety needs.
Try to Approach a Situation Non-defensively
When communicating in stressful situations many times it’s not so much what you say but the manner in which you say it. When talking to a person, look at him/her directly. Evasive eye contact may convey a message that you want to avoid an issue. Ignorance is not bliss. If you don’t face things they will not go away, they just smolder down under.
Ways Not to Communicate Are:
Can I have or can I do?
You are asking the assistant for permission; remember you are the employer this puts an unfair responsibility on the assistant of having to make a decision and robs you of having control over your life. It feeds the ‘people with disabilities are to be treated like children’ myth.
Get me this; do that
Direct orders can be appropriate in times of emergency, however on a day-to-day basis they create an atmosphere of master-servant/slave.
Should / Should Not:
Create an atmosphere of guilt, rather than clarity regarding your values and needs.
Example of Poor Communication
“What can I say I feel just awful saying this, really bad I can’t loan you my car. Oh gee, what a terrible thing to say!” Here the person refused the request, but did it in a way that showed lack of self-respect: It suggested that the refuser was a bad person who should not have denied the request.
A Better Way to State What You Want or How You Feel Is the “I Feel----, Because” Approach. For example: I feel that driving my car is a bad idea, because you do not have a current driver’s license.” Using “I” statements helps to reduce feelings of defensiveness during a conversation. It also reflects self-esteem!
Positive Ways to Communicate
- I would like you to do this.
- I would appreciate your help with . . .
- When you do that, I feel (angry, sad, happy)
- I’m not sure of what you said, would you clarify it for me?
- I really enjoy your conversation, but I need some quiet time now
- Could we resume it later?
- I don’t feel so well (physically or emotionally) today; so if I seem distant don’t take it personally.
People with Unique Communication
Some of the gestures and behaviors mentioned point directly at areas of expression, which is not the same for everybody. A person’s speech and body movement may not fit in with what is considered ‘normal’. Sometimes a person’s speech may take longer to understand. Their unique body language may not be obvious.
The person with a disability these affects will need to get feedback from the assistant about their understanding of what was communicated. This takes extra effort and training on the part of both the person with a disability and the assistant.
Frequent Talks
Discuss what your expectations are on a regular basis, don’t let resentment build! Everyone needs to be appreciated. Don’t forget to let the assistant know the things they do that you like also.
Opportunities for Feedback
We all need feedback. It’s nice to know if what you are doing is a benefit for the person you are doing it for. You don’t need to grovel and you don’t need to be phony. You can ask your assistant how he/she feels things are going and if there is anything the assistant has a problem with.
Genuine Appreciation
There seems to be a difference in genuinely appreciating someone’s time and energy and being required to feel ‘grateful’ in a groveling, shameful, guilty kind of a way, apologizing for one’s needs and feeling very vulnerable because you need help with the basics.
You let go of a lot of personal preferences others take for granted. Sometimes it’s hard. A good habit to get into might be to say thank you when your assistant is leaving for the day.
Establish a Safety Support Net
Have a friend or advocate check to see if you are OK if you feel the assistant may leave you stranded. It helps to be prepared for situations in which issues are not resolved and the assistant quits or must be terminated.
Assertiveness
In the context of this manual, the assistant needs to know what you need assistance with and how you would like it do. Assertion involves standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways, which do not violate another person’s rights.
The basic message in assertion is:
- This is what I think
- This is what I feel
- This is how I see the situation
A by-product of responsible assertion is that people often get what they want. Most people become cooperative when they are approached in this way, which is both respectful of self and others.
Respect is involved in being assertive; respect for oneself that is expressing one’s needs and defending one’s rights, as well as respect for the other person’s needs and rights. An example will help clarify the kind of respect involved in assertive behavior.
“I’d like to help you out, but I feel uncomfortable loaning my car.” The assertive refusal shows the two-fold respect: Self-respect in the self-confident way the request is refused and respect for the other person’s right to ask. The goal of assertion is communication and “mutuality”; that is, to get respect, to ask for fair play, and to leave room for compromise when the needs and rights of two people conflict.
In assertive behavior, the nonverbal actions are congruent with the verbal messages and add support, strength, and emphasis to what is being said verbally.
Some of the nonverbal behaviors, which may be important in assertion, include:
- Ability to retain eye contact without staring
- Stating ones position without pontificating
- Loudness of speech appropriate to situation
- Tone and quality in speech
- Length of time it takes the person to respond
- Body gestures which denote strength are used
- Speech pattern is fluent, expressive, clear, and emphasizes key words
Assertiveness Example
A woman with disabilities had planned in advance to attend a concert she had long wanted to see. The day before the concert, her personal assistant asked her to find another driver, because the personal assistant had just received a dinner invitation from a buddy. The disabled woman let the assistant know that she appreciated and understood her assistant’s desire to go to dinner with the friend. Then she reminded the assistant of the previous agreement to drive her to the concert. The woman also pointed out that it was too late for her to make other arrangements, so the assistant would have to fulfill the commitment to drive her to the concert.
Deference and Non-assertion
Deference is present when someone behaves in a self-effacing, appeasing, apologetic manner.
These are some characteristics that communicate an apologetic attitude about yourself and your requests:
- Low tone of voice
- Evasive eye contact
- Wringing hands
- Hunched shoulders
- Covering mouth
- Facial gestures
No assertion shows a lack of respect for one’s own needs. The goal of no assertion is to appease others and to avoid conflict at any cost. In no assertion, the total message, which is communicated, is: I don’t count—you can take advantage of me. My feelings don’t matter—only yours do. My thoughts aren’t important-yours are the only ones worth listening to. I’m nothing—you are superior.
Aggressiveness
“What do you mean you want to borrow my car? I don’t know where you get your nerve!”
Such aggressive refusals involve only one-way respect; that is, respect for one’s right to refuse but not for the other person’s right to ask. Aggression involves violating the rights of the other person. People acting aggressively are often dishonest, inappropriate and consumed with their own expression of thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
The usual goal of aggression is domination and winning, forcing the other person to lose. Winning is insured by humiliating, degrading, belittling, or overpowering other people so that they become weaker and less able to express and defend their needs and rights.
Compromise
In compromise neither person sacrifices basic integrity and both get some of their needs satisfied. The compromise may be one person gets her needs taken care of immediately while the other person gets taken care of a little later. For example, one weekend the friends see a movie and the next weekend they bowl. The compromise may involve both parties giving up a little.
Conflict
If you have a conflict over:
- Duties
- Time off
- Social conduct
- Use of property
Remind the person of their agreement. If they refuse to comply with your wishes, act promptly and firmly to have them replaced.
If conflict arises over the use of personal property without permission, each should be reminded of what was agreed upon in the contract.
Think ahead of your boundaries regarding borrowing clothing or jewelry. Respect each other’s privacy. Talk about phone usage and how messages are taken. Discuss your boundaries around your room and belongings being private. Discuss your expectations about visitors and overnight guests.
